Entitlement

Every few days or so I get “ill” – for sake of not providing TMI, that is what I will call it. This results in lower body pain, chills, and exhaustion among other things. While I am down and out and resting I go on Instagram and Twitter. Over the course of the last year I have met and come to know many people, via social media, on their own cancer journey. There are those who are terminal, those in their 2nd (or 3rd of more) battle with cancer, those who are sick all the time and can’t work or perform basic functions. These people have amazing strength, amazing honesty and the best senses of humor I have ever come across. They have been my inspiration and my teachers. So as I sit back with my “ill” moments, I look at my cancer community and think to myself – what I am feeling now will pass, I have no evidence of disease, what do I have to b*tch about, what do I have to be down about? These people have shown me what battling real life threatening and life altering (and sometimes life ending) cancer is about. Am I doing my Fellow patients and survivors a disservice by being a “baby” (in my eyes at least) about how I am feeling? Am I doing them a disservice by not living my life to the fullest? Am I doing them a disservice by not advocating enough? Am I doing them a disservice by not taking care of myself better with this second change I got? I have gotten off “easy” compared to others that I have seen and those I have come to know. So am I entitled to b*itch, and moan, and whine, and complain, and take a sick day? Or do I put on my big girl panties and honor those who I have seen and those that I have come to know and take care of myself, life my life to the fullest – pursuing my dreams, and advocate for those who can’t? Perspective is everything and as I become further removed from my last day of chemo and my last surgery and I start to heal internally, the fog slowly lifting from my brain, my purpose becomes clearer. At the end of the day I am grateful for the journey 2019 had me on and the role it is playing in my unknown future and the road ahead.